Since it is 1 am I have to say that yesterday was not a good day. I should have stayed asleep, but that is hard to do when your parents are yelling and fighting. Yes, I am 32 years old and live with my parents. Long story that if anyone wants to know, they can ask. I hope to change this soon.... not soon enough tho.
So I am awakened by that after not getting much sleep. I have not been feeling well the last 2 - 3 weeks. I know it is part physical and emotional. If you have not been able to figure it out, I am a very emotional person. Not in the bad sense.... I just have a big heart and care. Sometimes too much. But I cannot change even tho I get hurt. I was very sad when I had to leave California and come back 'home'. A bit of the dream I have died.
Mom and Dad stopped for a while, then Mom started in on me. Why, I do not know.... she just does that. I should be used to it. It is getting worse now that she is getting more forgetful. That with her what can only be called bipolar mood swings leaves me never knowing where I stand or what I will find when I open my bedroom door.
So on with the day.... my laptop has been acting funky.... overheating and being very slow. That makes it difficult when most of my time is spent online.
The landlord where we live is being a butthead... for no better word. He is raising the rent and wants to charge for the stupidest things. This prompted M&D to look for another place to live. They found one they liked about an hour away. It would be perfect. And I could feel ok in getting on with my life if they lived there. They put an offer in and we waited to hear. We heard today. They did not get it. Mom opened my door and told me then left. I broke down. I could feel my life ending.... my dreams would be no more. I kept and still keep telling myself that it is for the best. But I do not believe that. My life will not be what I want it to be as long as I am here. If I could I would leave and not look back.
The day continues... I went to the kitchen to get a drink, Mom asked me to fix dinner at 5:30. This was at 4:45. I said I would. I went back in my room to finish cleaning my bathroom. Mom opened my door, said she was fixing dinner, and shut the door. I looked at the clock... it was 5:12. I took a deep breath and went to the kitchen. I told her that I was going to fix dinner at 5:30... and she gets mad at me. She says we need to EAT at 5:30.... I take over fixing dinner.
I have not been eating much, maybe one meal a day besides a cup of hot tea or a glass of water. Have been throwing up usually once a day. And no I do not have an eating disorder. Well, not in the usual terms. When I am stressed I do not really eat... 1. because I am not hungry, 2. because it huts and 3. it is the only thing I have control over somewhat.
I fixed dinner, ate a lil bit as I know I should... and immediately regretted it. Doubled over in pain is not fun. Yet, I still cleaned up the kitchen and did the dishes. Laid down and tried to relax. M&D left for the evening.
** Warning... this next part is disturbing...
As I laid on my bed in the only lil bit of peace and quiet I get.... I started to cry again. I do that alot... Then I stopped and was just there when an image popped for all of maybe 2 seconds into my head. Clear as day I saw everything.
I was naked in my bathtub, full of hot water. I had slit the vein in my left arm lengthwise and it was in the water that now was bright red. My right arm, also slit was hanging over the tub.... the razor blade on the floor.. my blood starting to flood the ivory bath mat. I was dead.
I have thought of killing myself a few times in my life, when things are bad. They can get very bad... walking into the ocean... taking pills.... because I am a ppl pleaser, I'm always concerned with clean up so some usual methods are out. That has been in the past. I was shocked by this image. I am somewhat afraid that it might come true. Even tho I don't want it to. I finally have ppl in my life that love me for me. I could not do that to them. I am worried tho as my bathroom is 5 feet away... I have an ivory bath mat and there happens to be a razor blade in there.
I will not do anything tho.... except cry. And try and figure out how I can get the life I want.
So much more to ramble on about... but it isn't coming together.... maybe I should just go to sleep. I hope the image does not haunt my dreams.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
