the day my life changed....Saturday, March 4th, 2006

Woke up that morning in a wonderful mood, had tons of energy; both of which were true every morning back then. I had plans to meet a friend to see a movie and had errands to run before that. I got ready for a great day. Washed my car and filled the tank with gas. Going to get the oil changed later. I loved my car, not even yet a year old; it had brought me from California to Arizona along with all of my stuff. We had been through a lot.

It was a beautiful spring day in Arizona and I was listening to one of my favorite CD's as I drove to the mall to meet my friend. A CD I have not listened to since the accident, not sure I ever will. I was traveling down a road I had been on at least twice everyday for the last 3 months anyways, if not longer.

Shortly before 1pm, my life changed. Usually change is a good thing; I am trying to embrace the positives of this change, however, the negatives outweigh the positives. But I try.

I have tried not to think about what happened, unless I meet with my lawyer or a bill comes in, tho' I live with the results of that change every day. When I think about what happened or see the pictures, I get physically ill. Needless to say the last week or so, I have been ill most of every day. My Deposition is to take place tomorrow. I have a 5" binder full of information that I need to review by then to prepare. I will have the "joy" of reliving what happened almost 4 years ago. How the deposition goes is all on me. My lawyer has confidence in me, I wish I was as sure. I would rather give a speech in front of thousands naked then do this... although that is quite similar... everything about me will be openly exposed.

My life changed because someone did something extremely stupid.... in less than a second, my life was forever changed. They are just fine; They got to drive their car home; They got to have almost 4 years of their life as it always was.... not me.

My lawyer says I have a good case, and that I should end up with 5 figures, tax free after everyone gets paid. I would rather of had my life the way it was and had almost 4 years of how it was then 5 figures tax free. What a price to pay...

I have tried not to go into detail about the accident itself as I do not want to upset anyone... If anyone wants to see pictures of what was left of my car, I will share. I will say this: One car that was just fine started this; 4 cars total involved. 2 cars, mine included were totaled. I was hit by a car on the drivers side, went through an intersection and hit another car on the passenger side. Both airbags deployed. Windshield broke as well as the front axle. The engine of my car was pushed in more then 21", broke the firewall and I had oil in the back seat. I had to be cut out of the car. All of that and no blood or broken bones ~ just "soft tissue damage", I hate that term.

People say I am lucky to be alive ~ sometimes I wonder. Yes, I did not have any broken bones or need any operations, I wish I had. Instead I have a permanent back injury that I try and maintain from getting worse. I was told that if I fell or was in another accident, it would not be good. You call how I am now "good"... I certainly do not. People ask if I have gotten better. I have not, nor will I get "better".... I have gotten used to the pain and being limited in what I do, it happens almost 4 years later... you get used to it. I will never be better.

My life needs to change again ~ in a good way.

Alone

in a crowded room how can one be so alone


I see all the people but they do not see me, even tho I stand tall


I hear all the people but they do not hear me, even tho I shout

I wonder...

I was watching TV tonight and the father of the young woman was dying. It got me thinking about my own father. How would I feel if/when he dies. Would I cry over the loss of his life or over the loss of what could have been. I'm not sure. Not sure I would cry. Not sure I would feel anything. Now before you think of me as being cold hearted, perhaps I should explain the relationship I have or rather don't have with my father.

I am the youngest of four children and the only girl. And NO, I am not spoiled. I have pictures from my childhood and my father and I are happy. I was his shadow, I followed him everywhere and did everything with him. Then something changed. I changed. I was no longer his little girl. Ever since that day 21 years ago we have rarely talked. Even tho' I have lived with him for most of that time. When we do talk, he really doesn't listen and he treats me like I am two years old. Not a woman of age, who knows what is what and is smart in her own right. He is someone who can find and push buttons no one else can. He does not show emotion. I can not remember the last time he said he loved me and I have an excellent memory. In the last month, we have talked maybe a total of 30 minutes. I would be more then happy to never see him again, only for the fact that he isn't really in my life now.

He is 79 years old and has had a rare chronic leukemia. Although I feel he will outlive me. As the only child that is not married, I am the one to oversee his care. He is quite stubborn and will not accept help from anyone, let alone me. This makes it very stressful. I wish he would die as that would make every ones life easier. Then I get upset with myself for wishing that, as a loving daughter shouldn't wish such things.

I am always the one there for everybody. I take charge of situations no one else wants to. I most likely will handle all of the arrangements. I will have to be the rock the family leans on. I am fine with that, as that is usually my role for everyone. I cry at everything else, but I doubt I will when he goes. Let's say I will be shocked if I do.

So it leaves me to wonder how I will react, if and when he dies....