I wonder...

I was watching TV tonight and the father of the young woman was dying. It got me thinking about my own father. How would I feel if/when he dies. Would I cry over the loss of his life or over the loss of what could have been. I'm not sure. Not sure I would cry. Not sure I would feel anything. Now before you think of me as being cold hearted, perhaps I should explain the relationship I have or rather don't have with my father.

I am the youngest of four children and the only girl. And NO, I am not spoiled. I have pictures from my childhood and my father and I are happy. I was his shadow, I followed him everywhere and did everything with him. Then something changed. I changed. I was no longer his little girl. Ever since that day 21 years ago we have rarely talked. Even tho' I have lived with him for most of that time. When we do talk, he really doesn't listen and he treats me like I am two years old. Not a woman of age, who knows what is what and is smart in her own right. He is someone who can find and push buttons no one else can. He does not show emotion. I can not remember the last time he said he loved me and I have an excellent memory. In the last month, we have talked maybe a total of 30 minutes. I would be more then happy to never see him again, only for the fact that he isn't really in my life now.

He is 79 years old and has had a rare chronic leukemia. Although I feel he will outlive me. As the only child that is not married, I am the one to oversee his care. He is quite stubborn and will not accept help from anyone, let alone me. This makes it very stressful. I wish he would die as that would make every ones life easier. Then I get upset with myself for wishing that, as a loving daughter shouldn't wish such things.

I am always the one there for everybody. I take charge of situations no one else wants to. I most likely will handle all of the arrangements. I will have to be the rock the family leans on. I am fine with that, as that is usually my role for everyone. I cry at everything else, but I doubt I will when he goes. Let's say I will be shocked if I do.

So it leaves me to wonder how I will react, if and when he dies....