Rambling.....

Since it is 1 am I have to say that yesterday was not a good day. I should have stayed asleep, but that is hard to do when your parents are yelling and fighting. Yes, I am 32 years old and live with my parents. Long story that if anyone wants to know, they can ask. I hope to change this soon.... not soon enough tho.

So I am awakened by that after not getting much sleep. I have not been feeling well the last 2 - 3 weeks. I know it is part physical and emotional. If you have not been able to figure it out, I am a very emotional person. Not in the bad sense.... I just have a big heart and care. Sometimes too much. But I cannot change even tho I get hurt. I was very sad when I had to leave California and come back 'home'. A bit of the dream I have died.

Mom and Dad stopped for a while, then Mom started in on me. Why, I do not know.... she just does that. I should be used to it. It is getting worse now that she is getting more forgetful. That with her what can only be called bipolar mood swings leaves me never knowing where I stand or what I will find when I open my bedroom door.

So on with the day.... my laptop has been acting funky.... overheating and being very slow. That makes it difficult when most of my time is spent online.

The landlord where we live is being a butthead... for no better word. He is raising the rent and wants to charge for the stupidest things. This prompted M&D to look for another place to live. They found one they liked about an hour away. It would be perfect. And I could feel ok in getting on with my life if they lived there. They put an offer in and we waited to hear. We heard today. They did not get it. Mom opened my door and told me then left. I broke down. I could feel my life ending.... my dreams would be no more. I kept and still keep telling myself that it is for the best. But I do not believe that. My life will not be what I want it to be as long as I am here. If I could I would leave and not look back.

The day continues... I went to the kitchen to get a drink, Mom asked me to fix dinner at 5:30. This was at 4:45. I said I would. I went back in my room to finish cleaning my bathroom. Mom opened my door, said she was fixing dinner, and shut the door. I looked at the clock... it was 5:12. I took a deep breath and went to the kitchen. I told her that I was going to fix dinner at 5:30... and she gets mad at me. She says we need to EAT at 5:30.... I take over fixing dinner.

I have not been eating much, maybe one meal a day besides a cup of hot tea or a glass of water. Have been throwing up usually once a day. And no I do not have an eating disorder. Well, not in the usual terms. When I am stressed I do not really eat... 1. because I am not hungry, 2. because it huts and 3. it is the only thing I have control over somewhat.

I fixed dinner, ate a lil bit as I know I should... and immediately regretted it. Doubled over in pain is not fun. Yet, I still cleaned up the kitchen and did the dishes. Laid down and tried to relax. M&D left for the evening.

** Warning... this next part is disturbing...

As I laid on my bed in the only lil bit of peace and quiet I get.... I started to cry again. I do that alot... Then I stopped and was just there when an image popped for all of maybe 2 seconds into my head. Clear as day I saw everything.

I was naked in my bathtub, full of hot water. I had slit the vein in my left arm lengthwise and it was in the water that now was bright red. My right arm, also slit was hanging over the tub.... the razor blade on the floor.. my blood starting to flood the ivory bath mat. I was dead.

I have thought of killing myself a few times in my life, when things are bad. They can get very bad... walking into the ocean... taking pills.... because I am a ppl pleaser, I'm always concerned with clean up so some usual methods are out. That has been in the past. I was shocked by this image. I am somewhat afraid that it might come true. Even tho I don't want it to. I finally have ppl in my life that love me for me. I could not do that to them. I am worried tho as my bathroom is 5 feet away... I have an ivory bath mat and there happens to be a razor blade in there.

I will not do anything tho.... except cry. And try and figure out how I can get the life I want.

So much more to ramble on about... but it isn't coming together.... maybe I should just go to sleep. I hope the image does not haunt my dreams.

the blade is cool against my skin

my heart beats

the poison is sweet across my lips

my head spins

I am a Juliet without a Romeo

my eyes tear

this too shall end tonight

my mouth smiles

a puzzle

So lots of things have been going on in my life and I'm not sure how to put them into words. Have been at the same time very busy and waiting around for something to happen. I've been trying to stay focused and I kinda am but I feel so scattered like a chicken running around with ax damage to the neck. Mainly because I am doing stuff for other people and not really focusing on me. And that is where I need to focus. Hopefully that will change in the next week or two or three or four.... All of this has lead me to the thoughts below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like a 10,000 piece puzzle someone has thrown in the air


All the pieces should still be there


Have some been damaged or lost


Will they all fit


Can't quite clearly see the picture on the box....

White Picket Fence

I realized something today ~ I mean really let it sink in to my being....

I went to a store today and cut through the home wares department. Walked past sheets and pillows and dishes and small appliances and laundry baskets. Everything that one needs to make a home. I thought about how nice it would be to set up a home.

I came home and I clicked on a picture someone I follow posted... it was his baby girl. I almost immediately started to cry. I would love to have children some day, but I am not sure that it is possible.

I have moved about a dozen times in my life, the longest I have ever spent in one place is 8.5 yrs... from birth. I have never really felt like I had a home ~ a true home. That is something I have longed for all of my life.

Even though I am a woman of age and living in an advanced society where women can do pretty much everything, I want nothing more then to have a home and to care for it and my loved ones. I would very much enjoy being "Donna Reed", even though I am all for equal rights and the such, I am truly happy in the kitchen, barefoot. I want it all ~ the white picket fence; the 1.3 kids; the dog; all of it.

Unfortunately this will not happen for me anytime soon no matter how much I want it to and how hard I try. Some major things need to be resolved and then I need to walk away from everything.

Until that happens I dream of the White Picket Fence.....

the day my life changed....Saturday, March 4th, 2006

Woke up that morning in a wonderful mood, had tons of energy; both of which were true every morning back then. I had plans to meet a friend to see a movie and had errands to run before that. I got ready for a great day. Washed my car and filled the tank with gas. Going to get the oil changed later. I loved my car, not even yet a year old; it had brought me from California to Arizona along with all of my stuff. We had been through a lot.

It was a beautiful spring day in Arizona and I was listening to one of my favorite CD's as I drove to the mall to meet my friend. A CD I have not listened to since the accident, not sure I ever will. I was traveling down a road I had been on at least twice everyday for the last 3 months anyways, if not longer.

Shortly before 1pm, my life changed. Usually change is a good thing; I am trying to embrace the positives of this change, however, the negatives outweigh the positives. But I try.

I have tried not to think about what happened, unless I meet with my lawyer or a bill comes in, tho' I live with the results of that change every day. When I think about what happened or see the pictures, I get physically ill. Needless to say the last week or so, I have been ill most of every day. My Deposition is to take place tomorrow. I have a 5" binder full of information that I need to review by then to prepare. I will have the "joy" of reliving what happened almost 4 years ago. How the deposition goes is all on me. My lawyer has confidence in me, I wish I was as sure. I would rather give a speech in front of thousands naked then do this... although that is quite similar... everything about me will be openly exposed.

My life changed because someone did something extremely stupid.... in less than a second, my life was forever changed. They are just fine; They got to drive their car home; They got to have almost 4 years of their life as it always was.... not me.

My lawyer says I have a good case, and that I should end up with 5 figures, tax free after everyone gets paid. I would rather of had my life the way it was and had almost 4 years of how it was then 5 figures tax free. What a price to pay...

I have tried not to go into detail about the accident itself as I do not want to upset anyone... If anyone wants to see pictures of what was left of my car, I will share. I will say this: One car that was just fine started this; 4 cars total involved. 2 cars, mine included were totaled. I was hit by a car on the drivers side, went through an intersection and hit another car on the passenger side. Both airbags deployed. Windshield broke as well as the front axle. The engine of my car was pushed in more then 21", broke the firewall and I had oil in the back seat. I had to be cut out of the car. All of that and no blood or broken bones ~ just "soft tissue damage", I hate that term.

People say I am lucky to be alive ~ sometimes I wonder. Yes, I did not have any broken bones or need any operations, I wish I had. Instead I have a permanent back injury that I try and maintain from getting worse. I was told that if I fell or was in another accident, it would not be good. You call how I am now "good"... I certainly do not. People ask if I have gotten better. I have not, nor will I get "better".... I have gotten used to the pain and being limited in what I do, it happens almost 4 years later... you get used to it. I will never be better.

My life needs to change again ~ in a good way.

Alone

in a crowded room how can one be so alone


I see all the people but they do not see me, even tho I stand tall


I hear all the people but they do not hear me, even tho I shout

I wonder...

I was watching TV tonight and the father of the young woman was dying. It got me thinking about my own father. How would I feel if/when he dies. Would I cry over the loss of his life or over the loss of what could have been. I'm not sure. Not sure I would cry. Not sure I would feel anything. Now before you think of me as being cold hearted, perhaps I should explain the relationship I have or rather don't have with my father.

I am the youngest of four children and the only girl. And NO, I am not spoiled. I have pictures from my childhood and my father and I are happy. I was his shadow, I followed him everywhere and did everything with him. Then something changed. I changed. I was no longer his little girl. Ever since that day 21 years ago we have rarely talked. Even tho' I have lived with him for most of that time. When we do talk, he really doesn't listen and he treats me like I am two years old. Not a woman of age, who knows what is what and is smart in her own right. He is someone who can find and push buttons no one else can. He does not show emotion. I can not remember the last time he said he loved me and I have an excellent memory. In the last month, we have talked maybe a total of 30 minutes. I would be more then happy to never see him again, only for the fact that he isn't really in my life now.

He is 79 years old and has had a rare chronic leukemia. Although I feel he will outlive me. As the only child that is not married, I am the one to oversee his care. He is quite stubborn and will not accept help from anyone, let alone me. This makes it very stressful. I wish he would die as that would make every ones life easier. Then I get upset with myself for wishing that, as a loving daughter shouldn't wish such things.

I am always the one there for everybody. I take charge of situations no one else wants to. I most likely will handle all of the arrangements. I will have to be the rock the family leans on. I am fine with that, as that is usually my role for everyone. I cry at everything else, but I doubt I will when he goes. Let's say I will be shocked if I do.

So it leaves me to wonder how I will react, if and when he dies....

the Butterfly

I have my Elliptical machine in a side garden room. As I live in Arizona, I open the doors to let the breeze go through.

Today while I was working out a beautiful butterfly flew in the room. It flew up to the side skylight windows and tried to get out.

As I watched the butterfly ~ I could identify with it.

Something so fragile and beautiful yet strong trying to get out of its current situation. It knew where it wanted to go, could even see it, yet it could not manage to get there no matter how hard it tried. I watched it struggle for a while, then went to help.

How to help? Would it accept help? Would I actually help or harm this beautiful creature?

It took some time, but I did manage to get the butterfly out of the room ~ it flew away in freedom.

The Heart

With each beat the heart speaks.

Within the heart there is life.

Within the heart there is love.

Within the heart there is joy & happiness.

Within the heart there is pain & sorrow.

So much this small organ can hold and handle.

Tide of Life

I went kayaking for the first time five years ago off of the west coast of Florida. I instantly fell in love with it. It is one of the most peaceful things I have ever done.

It was low tide when I set out about my journey. I happened upon a very small island, maybe three hundred square feet total. It was made up entirely of shells from long ago. It was the most beautiful sight my eyes had beheld in quite a while.

I picked up as many of the shells that I could ~ a picture of them is seen above.

On the way back to the shore, I got to thinking about that island and tides, both high and low. I have lived by the ocean most of my life. Whenever we were thinking of going to the beach, we would always check to see when low tide was. That was the best time to go, as more of the shore was exposed. The lower the tide the better for exploring. However, without the high tide, there would be nothing new brought in upon the shore. Both have their purpose. You can not have one without the other.

Such as in life. You can not have the highs without the lows. If you only had one, how would you know which it is ~ high or low?? Both are needed to sustain a balance in life.

If it had not been low tide, the beauty of that island would have been lost.

Besides a basket of shells and wonderful memories, this is what I came away with ~ Don't let the tides of life hide your beauty. It is in the low moments that your true beauty is revealed.

Breathe, Relax and Sleep

Many people have asked for & benefited from a relaxation technique I came up with years ago. I hope it helps you.

Get ready for bed, however you normally do, brush teeth, PJ's all that good stuff. Turn everything off, no lights, no music... Dark and Quiet room.

Lay Down

Close your eyes and take three deep breaths; in through your nose, out through your mouth, really slow. Each breath getting deeper.

Now as you lay there you are going to work from you toes to your head. Visualize relaxing each toe; really truly relaxing; feel the muscles loosen. Keep breathing slow and deep.

Work your way up your body, breathing and relaxing. This is to be your only thought and focus ~ breathing and relaxing. If other thoughts creep in start over. Three deep breaths and relax your toes.

Do this as much as you need to, until you are completely relaxed and sleeping.

In time you can use this technique whenever you feel under stress.

BREATHE :)

Breathe ~ 2001

Breathe
Un Stress
De Stress
No Stress
Breathe

Dreams ~ 2001

Dreams are wishes your heart makes.

Dear Lord ~ 2001

Dear Lord,

Please grant me the strength to get through another day of my life. I am trying to throw all of my burdens on you. All I want is to serve you with all of my soul. I know you will make all things possible in your own time. Please be patient with me as sometimes I am not patient with you. Realize what I want and need and what is best for me.

The Seasons ~ 1996

Spring

Young woman, Spring, dancing in the warming sunlight with happiness on her face, and blossoms in her flowing hair.

Oblivious to the snow capped mountains, busy gathering flowers and saying Hello to the buzzing bees and nesting birds.

Leaning over the fence as friends dig and plant in the warm soil, always cheerful and full of grace.

Summer

Unpredictable as a young boy is Summer.

Full of fun, with so much to do, plans and picnics and trips.

Hot and stormy, full of temper and rage, soon to be tired and sullen; but as many will say, this time is best.

Fall

A definite woman is Fall, because a woman can always change her mind, her mood, her clothing, the color of her hair.

and so can Fall, from the warm, almost hot back to school days to those tempered with frost.

When garments are changed from green to gold and orange, and winds can hustle things about and move them wherever they will.

Fall, proud, accomplished and clear eyed looks ahead, just like a woman.

Winter

Winter a man must be ~ cold and crisp, harsh if it chooses, challenging, unrelenting, decisive ~ definitely a "He."

Wearing a dark gray business suit and blue shirt with maybe a red tie as a bit of brightness ~ definitely a "He."

Winter, persistent, stubborn, strong, courageous, full of ego, free to be itself ~ definitely a "He."

Laziness ~ 1996

Laziness, like a cat
sleeps through the day
looking at the world with
half-closed eyes
not really caring what happens
even though aware

Reversal ~ 1996

I used to live in a house, now I live in a box.
I have no money for food or clothing ~ I'm Homeless

I do fine when it is pouring sunshine,
but when it is pouring rain, I could die ~ I'm Homeless

People drive by me almost all day, they seem rich compared to me.
No one stops, remembers me or notices ~ I'm Homeless

Once in a while a kind person walks by, gives me some money, some time, a slight smile.
Otherwise I'm like an old book; wet, dirty, thrown away ~ I'm Homeless

Animal appetite is what I have, a growing craving within.
I steal and beg for things I don't own, but must possess, to stay alive ~ I'm Homeless

I constantly carry my heavy bag loaded with despair, rejection, loneliness and fear.
If I could but leave it somewhere and go on as before, but ~ I'm Homeless

the swan

Beautiful and yet lost in it's element.

Searching for something.

It seems that it is at peace, but is it?

My hope is that it finds what it is looking for;

That it will be at peace;

That it will be found;

and that it's true beauty will be revealed.

Twitter B & B

So I had this brilliant idea tonight! At least it sounds brilliant, hehe.

It is really just combining several of my loves... but comes down to the most basic love of mine ~ making people happy :)

I love to entertain, to cook, to comfort people, to please people and make them feel loved.

I have met some wonderful people on Twitter who always have a special place in my heart <3

So here comes my brilliant idea ~ DANGER DANGER DANGER

When I have the funds, I would like to open a Twitter Bed and Breakfast. My Twitter friends from all over are welcome anytime. At the very least we should meet up once a year or so.

Now accepting reservations!

Inventory

Ok ~

I will be honest with you, as I always am. Firm believer in open & honest communication.

The last three days have basically been spent crying. I go through this every now and then, get in a blue mood, cry and then snap out of it. Well, this time something snapped, but not the way it normally does. Normally, I just push the feelings deeper inside and forget about them and move on until next time. But this time that is not what is happening and it is strange. Why, after all these years, is it changing now? I've tried to change it in the past, only to realize I am in the same spot in my life, just in a different state, literally.

So what made the difference?? Trying to really figure this out, but the best I can come up with right now is the following:

For the first time in my life, I feel, no I know, I have people in my life that really care about me. The thing is, they have come into my messed up life just within the last few months. Before that, I had no idea they existed. I hoped that they did, but did not know for sure.

Having people truly care about me is very strange to me. I am usually the one everybody goes to for anything at anytime. This I do not mind, never have. I actually enjoy it. I am glad I can have a part to make someones life better. I have always wished for that to be truly reciprocated, and until three months ago, it never really was. I guess, whatever higher power you believe in, sees that you get what you need when you really need it and are ready for it and not before, no matter how much you beg.

I have found that it does not matter your age, where you live, what you believe or don't believe that unites people; It is what is in your heart that truly & honestly unites people.

Now ~ down to taking inventory:

I have taken inventory of these special people and they all have a place in my heart. My only hope is that they know this.

I am starting to literally take inventory of my life. All of these things ~ do I really need them? I think not.

I have a plan in mind. Just need to put it on paper. Then follow through with action. if I do not do it now, I never will and I will be in the same place I have always been. That just won't do! If anyone is interested in my plan, just ask.

As I've told many people: It starts with the consciousness of what needs done, then the effort and then the follow through.

It will be done! So say I!

That being said, if anyone needs anything just ask, I probably have it :)

Addictions/Attachments

I get addicted to things to quickly; Twitter, Blogger ~ form attachments at the drop of a hat or a friendly hello.

I have always been this way tho' ~ give freely and willingly and rarely get anything in return, so I end up getting hurt. But I just can't stop. I say what I mean and mean what I say. Anytime, anything ~ whenever, whatever; if you need something and I can help I will.

How do you explain this without sounding all ego driven, I don't know. Trust me I do not have an ego, just the opposite in fact.

Although, recently I have had the great joy of having some people enter my life, granted they are at a distance, but they are helping me in ways I don't think they will ever fully understand.

Much love to them :)

Tears

You know how to make me cry ~ you say you are sorry and I know you are.

When you make me cry they are usually good tears and if they aren't, they are tears I can't cry on my own and they need to be cried.

My only wish would be to be able to cry in your arms ~ then I might be done with crying forever.

You have a special place in my heart forever and a day <3

Irony

I find myself thinking about something 25/8 without having ever experienced it.

Only reasonable conclusion that I can come up with as to why I think about it all the time is because of what happened to me when I was little.

I work very hard at keeping it under wraps sort to speak, only because I am afraid of what might happen if I accept it and go with my thoughts.

I guess thinking never hurt anyone.....

Validation & Appreciation

No matter what we have been through in our life, no matter how old we are or where we live, we all desire the same thing ~ To have our life validated by others and to be appreciated.

For some reason, people think too much of themselves to just get to the bottom of things and just be the loving and caring people we were made to be. People overthink things way too much.

I'm reminded of a saying: K.I.S.S. ~ Keep It Simple Stupid

If someone does something for you, show that you appreciate it ~ somehow. Can be as simple as a smile. Granted most people only do things in order to get "repaid" somehow; but for the few of us out there that do things because they care, show your appreciation.

Same with validation ~ it can be as simple as repeating something a person has said, sharing an experience. Just to know that you matter and/or made a difference in someone's life, no matter how big or small.

We all deserve to be appreciated and validated ~ think of how the world would be if we all were.

With that being said ~ I would like to thank anyone who has ever been a part of my life. Even if you do not know how, you have made a difference in my life.

Thank You

Listen...

I have so much to say ~ but who will really listen?

why even bother......

Amazing

It is amazing the power some things have ~

Peoples words and actions

Music

Weather

The one thing all of these have in common is their affect on ones mood.

Ok, so you can't control other people or the weather; but you can have control over what you allow in your life and to what extent.

I hope this makes whoever reads this realize the power they have, not only on others, but on themselves as well and to only use that power for good :)

Time

It takes time ~

to grow

to learn

to love

to change

to heal

to forget

to be

It takes time ~ remember to give time the time it needs.

Eyes

her eyes are brown and with them she sees the world

if only the world had eyes, then it could see her

if only the world had eyes, then it could see the pain

if only the world had eyes, then it could see the tears

if only the world had eyes, then it could see her heart

if only the world had eyes, then it could see her dreams

if only the world had eyes, then it could see her hopes & fears

her eyes are brown and with them she sees the world

if only the world had eyes

Who Matters

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore and who always will.

Make sure you know the difference and act accordingly.

Vacay

One day I will take a vacation ~

Tropical Island

Ireland/Scotland/England

Vancouver, BC Canada

Cabin in the mountains by a lake

somewhere over the rainbow

Really doesn't matter where, just somewhere beautiful, peaceful and where I can just be me. Do what I want to do when I want to do it. Truly experience life.

One day........

Today ~ June 25th, 2009

Wow ~

That is all I can really say about today.

So many thoughts going through my brain right now.

I mean, it is sad when someone dies unexpectedly (unless they're like Hitler); leaving a family behind and friends and questions that will never be answered.

It is an end of an era. Someone who has always been there ~ good or bad isn't there anymore. Strangeness.

At the same time tho' is the fact of what he was like in his personal life. Can you really separate that from the muscial genius that he was. Because he was a genius. His music was populkar then and it is still. And he should be recognized for that.

But on the other hand is everything else that is going on in the world. Iran, people not having enough food, the economy, so many other things that are of so much more importance.

It makes one wonder where ones priorities are. Granted all this about MJ will calm down, but the other issues will continue for quite some time.

I guess the key is to not become complacent. if you can change something for the better or can help someone out ~ DO IT!

It requires action on our part as individuals, as communities, as a country and as the world.


Remember the dead but don't forget the living.

Trust

I was asked how I could trust someone I have never met or seen ~

I told the one asking, that it was often easier to trust someone whom you have not met or seen ~

It is the ones you know that will break your heart.

Hotels

Hotels are all different.

Over the past 3 weeks I have stayed in too many to count!

Some have really comfy beds; some give you warm cookies upon checking in and out (thank you DoubleTree); some have free wireless, while some charge and you can only use it till 3pm (will never understand that one); some have Bath & Body Works for their soap; some are really bad ~ never to be stayed at again.

However, the one thing they have in common is that they make me feel a certain way.

I'm not sure if it is the whole anonymity of a hotel or a new bed, but I always feel this way.

Too bad I am always alone :(

Cherry

Ok ~

So my blog cherry is officially popped!

I am posting most of my thoughts that I've had over the last two months.

You will find that I am very eclectic with my blog as I am with everything in my life.

Please comment if you so desire as I love open and honest communication.

Have a great day and remember to:

Breathe and Smile

Much Love,

Drea :)